if it’s news to me, it must be news to you!
Funeral of the week: Customer services at Tesco demonstrated that they had a sense of fun when they responded to the customer who had held a funeral for the William the Worm whose body he found in a pre-packed cucumber.
Hot-flush of the week: Scientists are studying killer whales to solve the puzzle of the evolutionary benefits of the menopause, a trait shared by only three species of mammals.
Olympic moan of the week: Using the word medal as a verb still grates, as do the news photos of the winners biting their gold medals, but apparently it’s the sexist commentators that I should be cross about. But at least we had the uplifting sight of two athletes from North and South Korea sharing a selfie moment.
Speaking of sexy commentators: BBC presenter Helen Skelton caused quite a stir at the Olympic Aquatic Stadium because of her leg revealing dress.
One viewer complained that there were ‘families and children watching’, but as Melanie Bracewell observed: ‘If you and your family can’t handle seeing legs, I don’t think swimming is the event for you.’
Green machine: The greatest puzzle of the week though was why the Olympic pool should turn from an azure blue to bilious green, and apparently smelling of farts. The official explanation was that it was due to decreased alkalinity, although the more likely cause is copper in the water which turns bleached hair green as gold medal winning American swimmer, Ryan Lochte, discovered.
Olympian art: Full marks to the Chinese cycling team and their Peking Opera helmet designs which were literally head and shoulders above the usual national symbol adornments.
Sports that should be in the Olympics: But while the eyes of the world are on Rio, where were the tv cameras for the World Skipping Championships in Sweden where Hong Kong smashed the world record?
Technique of the week: If you have a habit of spilling coffee or tea, the problem is that you’re holding the cup in the wrong way. Change to the ‘claw hand’ grip as recommended by the journal Achievements in Life Sciences and all will be well. Now we just need a cure for scalded fingertips.
Incidentally, how you drink your coffee could indicate psychopathic tendencies.
Quote of the week: When asked what advice he would give to budding entrepreneurs, the Duke of Westminster replied: ‘Make sure they have an ancestor who was a very close friend of William the Conqueror.’ (See Brief Lives below)
Pests of the week: The Socialist Left Party of Norway is proposing that all citizens set aside an hour of the day to hunt and destroy the invasive Spanish slug.
Telltale brands: According to a YouGov survey, if you voted Brexit in June, chances are that your favourite brands are HP Sauce, Bisto and Richmond sausages. And if you were a Remainer, you prefer the BBC website, Instagram and Virgin Trains.
Brief lives: The Duke of Westminster, the richest aristocrat; confectionary magnate Forrest Mars Jnr; Bloody Sunday priest Edward Daly; David Huddlestone, actor from Blazing Saddles and The Big Lebowski; David Weston who won the MC at Anzio; tv evangelist Jan Crouch whose pet chicken was ‘resurrected by God’; Hanif Mohammad, cricketer known as The Little Master; Seymour Papert, Lego Professor for Learning Research at MIT; Pádraig Duggan, one of the founder members of Clannad and; Ivo Pitanguy, plastic surgeon and pioneer of the Brazilian Butt Lift.